I watched Hasan Minhaj’s Netflix Special, Homecoming tonight. It was an incredibly emotional experience for me. I often felt like breaking down into sobs, and of course, I laughed heartily as well. He’s an incredibly talented comedian.

There are so many layers of trauma he touched on as he spoke about his experience as an Indian American, first generation immigrant.

The racism he experienced after September 11th hit really close to home.

The shame. The concern for what other people will think. The need to lie or keep secrets in order to maintain some acceptable perception of the family.

As most Indian comics, he jokes about the way Indian parents discipline their kids. In his bit, he jokes about being slapped in the face. Other comics joke about beating asses. This is always really triggering for me. And it also makes me second guess my experiences growing up. If other people are able to joke about the way their parents disciplined them, why is it so hard for me to accept? Looking back on my childhood, I don’t have one single happy memory. I remember times when I felt happy, but then almost immediately was screamed at or scolded by my mom for something I didn’t understand. And that joy I had been previously feeling was replaced with terror. I can only come to two different conclusions.

1. My childhood wasn’t any worse than other Indian kid’s childhoods, but I am more sensitive to the trauma and therefore it has impacted me on a deeper level.

2. My childhood experiences were atypical, even according to Indian cultural norms. And the discipline or abuse I experienced was more extreme, and therefore am impacted on a deeper level compared to other immigrant children.

Side Note: I know the level abuse I experienced during my childhood was more than what would be considered acceptable, even according to Indian cultural norms. The way she disciplined me was extreme to say the least. Physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse. Consistently. I lived in fear of her wrath, every day. The pressure she put on me to be perfect, not take a step out of line, for fear of what people would think was insurmountable. The rage she inflicted could make a grown man shutter. And I know Indian Americans who did not live in fear of their parents. Who felt safe in their home, even through their parents disciplinary actions. My choice to cut my parents out of my life is really controversial. So many people in my family don’t agree with it, don’t understand it or minimize my experience growing up. But my family is a classic example of generational abuse. Hasan said something in his Netflix Special that I will carry with me throughout this journey.

“Generational change is possible with one choice.”

If you’ve been paying attention I have been struggling with the concept of abuse/dysfunction vs Indian culture since the inception of this blog. And my attempt to learn more about Indian culture is my way of determining if generational abuse is a derivative of the values and cultural standards of my family’s Indian heritage, or if this is just straight up dysfunction, exacerbated by Indian cultural norms. I’m not sure why I’m so obsessed with the answer, but I feel like it will help me feel more at peace with my childhood.

Remember how I was going to teach myself how to cook Indian food? Well, I am obsessed with pakoras but had some trouble finding the right type of flour. I even spent $20.00 on Amazon for what turned out to be the WRONG kind, and now I can’t return it. Meanwhile, the right type of flour (chickpea flour) was available at my local supermarket. Go figure. So that post is coming soon, fingers crossed! For now, may I present to you our Tuesday night dinner! Buffalo Chicken Chowder. Recipe courtesy of Just Jessie B, one of my favorite Paleo food bloggers.

This recipe is super easy to prep a day or two before. I just prep the veggies, and then the rest of the recipe is putting things in the crock pot when you are ready to prepare the meal. I chopped all these veggies the night before!

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The next day, over my lunch break, I prepped the rest of the ingredients in our instant pot and let is slow cook all day. There’s also an Instant Pot setting, in which the entire cooking time only takes about 40 minutes. But there’s something about slow cooking that I find really good for the soul, so I opted for that route!

Final Product! It makes a ton, so we usually freeze half of the soup and save it for a rainy day. This is the perfect dish for when it’s actually raining!