My therapist says that grief is the combination of anger and sadness. Lately, for the past few weeks, all I have been feeling is anger. When I think about my parents, how they treated me while I was a child and even has a teenager into adulthood I get so angry. I hate them. I hate them for thinking they could treat any human being the way they treated me. I hate them for thinking that they were actually good parents. I will never do this in real life, but sometimes the anger is so intense that I picture myself round house kicking my mom in the head.

I had been feeling really good about the work I was doing and how far I had come on this journey. I have unraveled some pretty dark stuff that my mom did to me when I was a child. And I was feeling like I was about to turn a corner. And then I had a PTSD response to something incredibly minor, and it put me into a tailspin. My PTSD response put my unresolved issues right in front of my face.

The truth is that I inherited my mom’s violent temper. And while, I may not be violent, my temper is scary. I hate it. I don’t even fully remember what I do or say when I hit my temper. These facts make me even more angry at my parents. Had my dad protected me in anyway, I might not have experienced my mom’s temper as regularly as I did. I might not have developed this learned behavior and I might not have this primal rage buried deep in my core. When it releases, it is most certainly pent up anger, aggression, frustration and emotion that has been stored there since childhood. When it releases, it is my inner child finally getting to react to her circumstances and the way she was treated.

So while I continue to tell myself that I have done an immense amount of work to heal from my past, and that I have worked really hard not to become my mother and that I AM NOT MY MOTHER, it still feels like I was at mile 25 in the marathon but I’m really only at mile 1.5. Ugh. It’s exhausting. And I desperately don’t want to be an angry person. I don’t want this rage living inside of me. But I know that I have to really feel the rage in order to process through it. I hate my parents. And I have to figure out a way to release this rage in a healthy way.

Anyways, I made egg curry and it was awesome. Total childhood memory and I loved it. I started following an Indian chef that is more well known in Great Britain. I also bought her cookbook, Indian Kitchen. So this recipe isn’t online. But it was relatively easy.

She did ask that I fry the spices in oil first, before adding the onions. That was different for me, as my mom always taught me to fry the onions first. But I think toasting the spices added a layer to the flavor that was really delicious.