The thing about trauma is that it can be triggered by something completely unexpected. Something that seems totally unrelated can spur anxiety, unrest and a general uneasiness.

This past week Alabama passed a near ban on abortion that doesn’t leave an exception for cases of rape or incest. I consider myself to be pro-life and also pro-choice. I feel strongly that you can’t be one without the other. If you’re against abortion, fine. But if you are also against public services such as health care, educational resources, better sex ed in schools, access to family planning resources and other things designed to help those in poverty, then you’re not pro-life. You’re anti-abortion and nothing else.

I couldn’t figure out why this news was bothering me so much. I mean, it’s scary of course. It’s appalling and frustrating and ignorant and … really scary.

The level of anxiety, fear and low level rage I have been feeling is more than what I typically experience when I read frustrating news. I am exhausted and angry. I feel so much anxiety that I have to stay off of social media and avoid the news. That is not a normal reaction for me. It feels overwhelming. I still can’t think rationally about the topic. I haven’t had any tolerance for additional viewpoints. I haven’t had the heart to even listen to understand or challenge myself to think further than my own views.

And then it hit me. This is related to my trauma. I lived my entire childhood without any control or the power to make any decisions for myself. I didn’t get to pick out my own back to school clothes. I didn’t get to choose my friends. I didn’t get to weigh in on where we traveled on family vacations, or what we did while we were there. I didn’t get to express my feelings, no matter the situation. I wasn’t allowed to not like a food. If my mom made something, we ate it. No questions asked. I wasn’t allowed to choose how much food to put on my plate. If I put too little, they reprimanded me. If I put too much on my plate they would comment about weight gain. And I certainly wasn’t in control of my own body.

I listened to a podcast this morning that discussed the recent abortion laws and the point that resonated with me the most is that these laws make women feel like we don’t matter. When there’s no exception for rape. When someone like Brett Kavanaugh can be confirmed to the supreme court. When a man who brags about sexually assaulting women can be elected president. We tell women that their lives and their bodies are not valued. And that is EXACTLY how my parents made me feel growing up. I didn’t matter. My thoughts, ideas, opinions and very presence did not matter to them. I was treated as an inconvenience to be managed and controlled. I did not contribute to my family in anyway that was valued.

The abortion law is making me feel like I don’t matter again. It’s taking away my control of my decisions and my body. I had to fight really hard to win these things back after I moved out of my parents house. I had to make really hard decisions and sacrifices to maintain boundaries I knew would keep me safe. And these abortion bans are making me feel like someone stormed into my life and stole these things away from me. It’s hard. It’s emotional. It’s really raw. It’s not logical or rational. But that is how trauma works.

Okay, on to my favorite thing to make. Mayonnaise. I have a love affair with mayonnaise. It is on my list of top five condiments. Some people really hate mayonnaise. You do you, man. But not me. Often the only reason I eat a sandwich is because I am craving the combination of mayonnaise with deli meat. The thing about mayo is that the stuff in the store is filled with chemicals and preservatives. It’s really not good for you. When I did my first Whole30 I was delighted at the idea of eating mayo and jumped at the chance to learn how to make it from scratch. Especially because the Whole30 mayonnaise brands were hella expensive. Think $7.99 a jar. Yikes.

Here is the recipe I use. It turns out delicious and it’s incredibly easy to do. The only tip I have is to make sure to put the egg in the jar first and the oil in the jar last, after you’ve put in all the other ingredients. This is the key to getting a good emulsification going.

Next, grab your immersion blender and start blending! Make sure to hold the blender at the bottom of the jar for about 30 seconds and then slowly bring it up! You can keep blending up and down until the mixture looks like mayo!

Then….boom. Mayo.