I’m still thinking about what about my childhood was due to dysfunction, vs what was truly representative of Indian culture.

Abuse is definitely normalized in Indian culture, but that only means that they don’t think abuse is abuse. Abuse itself is prevalent through all people groups. I think it’s also common that in Indian culture, discipline is always abusive, whether it’s emotional, mental or physical. Dropping hot wax on your kids while interrogating them on their recent actions, physically punching your kids into submission, screaming at your kids so hard they start to run away from you, hitting them with shoes, locking your kids in basements for days at a time are all things that have happened to children in my family.

I remember watching my dad twist my mom’s arm out of its socket during one of their many fights about money. My dad was upset with my mom for sending money back to her family in India. They were standing on opposite sides of our living room screaming at each other. My mom threw her checkbook at my dad in anger, and my dad stormed over to her and twister her arm so hard that it ended up being backwards in her socket. That’s not because we are Indian, right? That’s just plain dysfunction. I was in the room when it happened, and yet my parents refused to talk about it. They didn’t go to the hospital. They twisted my mom’s arm back into place and never discussed it again.

The next year my mom started to experience chronic pain in the same arm. She went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment but never told them about the incident. I remember sitting in every doctor’s office and thinking to myself, why isn’t she telling them about what happened? Not talking about this incident, pretending this incident didn’t happen and acting like everything is okay is 100% Indian culture. I think, anyways.

So, if discipline in Indian culture is often abusive, one could argue that a common theme among Indian culture is a lack of importance on mental health. I can only speak for my mom. She is chronically depressed. She is addicted to opioids. I think the opioids have caused permanent brain damage. She can’t draw logic from logic anymore. And she’s mentally unstable. My entire family walks on egg shells around her. We are careful not to say anything that would trigger an outburst. My dad’s entire world revolves around keeping her stable.

Also, I’d just like to point out that my family HATES the idea of this blog. They would be mortified that I am being so open about my family history of dysfunction. And even though I don’t play their game, I still feel nervous about publishing a blog that focuses on my own healing process. But this blog is my way of grieving and processing all of the layers of trauma and abuse I experienced growing up in my family. I am changing my family legacy by living in truth and authenticity and ending the generational cycle of abuse. I am so proud of the work I have done with a therapist. Indian culture tells me I should be ashamed of speaking to a therapist. Ashamed of my depression. And ashamed to be talking about my family this way. I vehemently reject these notions and anyone who tries to impose these standards in my life. I am 100% done pretending that my family or my childhood was happy and loving. Done.

Okay, I made a lemon cake this week to bring to a friend’s house. It turned out pretty good! I’m not a huge sweets person and this cake turned out a little too sweet for my taste. I’m just not used to eating this much sugar. But, my hubby and my friends loved it. Here’s the recipe I worked from. Gluten free and grain free too!

My favorite part was making the lemon curd from scratch. I had to take a whole lemon, rind and all, and boil them for 15 minutes. Then, cut them open and remove the seeds. Then put the whole lemon into a food processor and blend until totally smooth. So easy, and it added such an intense lemon flavor!

Next up…carefully removing the lemon seeds!

Then add them to the food processor and blend away!

I completely forgot to take a picture of my final product. But here’s a pic of the leftovers, haha. This was a relatively easy recipe and everyone really liked it! I would say, if you’re not used to eating things made with almond flour, you might not like it. Because that definitely gives the cake a different texture. But our family (actually only me, not so much Luke) is all about the gluten free life, so this was a really tasty treat for us to enjoy with friends!